Matrix Rounders
by Shoa UK
Summary: The Twins have been at it again... And this time they've got everyone into trouble. As punishment for their actions, the Matrix gang are forced to...play rounders? Total hilarity reigns!!
1. Prologue, and the news is broken

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Not a damned thing. Definitely not the twins, and not any of the other less important characters like Neo. Nothing. Don't sue I'm broke!

**WARNING:** Expect humour, character bashing, implied slash, rife bad language and above all RANDOMNESS! Oh, and I mean no offence to anyone no matter what I say! I promise!

**Another WARNING: **If ya really love Trinity, stay away…well away. She's the only character I truly like bashing *smiles sweetly* 

**A/N: **Really huge huggles to Kat, this was a team (one!) effort. And I still can't get over her acting it out at lunch! I hope you find this as hilarious as we did, and if you're American don't worry, it'll all become clear. If not don't blame me. Quite a lot of the jokes have to be credited to Kat's random outbursts, so there ya go dear! Also, WB means Warner Brothers.

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**Punishment**

(Neo, Trinity, Morpheus, Link, Twin One (Neil), Twin Two (Adrian *sigh*), The Merovingian, Persephone, Niobe, Agent Smith, The Oracle and Captain Lock are sat in the Warner Brother's studio. All look suitably miffed.)

**WB dude:** After the untimely death, *glares at twins who look at the ceiling in feigned innocence* of our give-away-things-about-Revolutions-anywhere sniper, we have decided to punish you ALL in the absence of real evidence against those 'twin things' *glares again, you can see he's having a hard day right?*.

(Everyone looks at the twins with cold stares, who just shrug in return)

**Merovingian:** Vhaaat iz zis? We get puneeshed for what zese…servants…did?

(The twins turn in unison to look at the Merovingian, who backs down)

**Twin two:** *coughs* Penis *cough*

**Merovingian**: Vhaat waz zat?

**Twin Two:** I said nowt. *looks around innocently* 

**WB dude:** *sigh* Yes, yes you do have to be punished. So in accordance with the rules you all have to… *flicks through papers* O_O Play rounders? Ummm…?

**Neo:** *in a deep monotone that sounds like he swallowed gravel* What the hell is rounders? Does it hurt?

(Everyone looks totally confused 'cept the twins who are hysterical with laughter)

**Twin one:** Yeah, it kills! 

**Twin two:** There's these huge balls-

**Twin one:** With spikes!

**Twin two:** And a bat the size of… ENGLAND!

(Neo swiftly turns pale and clings to Trinity's arm like a girl)

**WB dude:** There's no mention of spiky balls and huge bats here…

**Twin two:** *to One* Not on there, there isn't…. *evil twin laugh*

**WB dude:** Apparently it's a ball game. Four bases, a ball and bats.

**Neo:** Like baseball then? *relieved, he lets go of Trinity who's hand has gone pale from lack of blood*

(Meanwhile, the twins pale (if possible) and stare at Neo)

**Twin two:** Like…like…?!

**Twin one:** S'ok , calm down Two, calm. *pats him nervously on back*

**Twin two:** *explodes, standing up and glaring* IT'S NOT FRIGGING BASEBALL!! It's an entirely different concept! 

**Neo:** o_o;;;; *breaks out in a sweat at seeing the mad glint behind Two's shades*

**Twin two:** Firstly, none of this dropping the bat like it's poisonous! Secondly, you don't wear any of this bloody body armor like you're a three year old, it's a ball for Christ's sake! And thirdly…it's British!! *sits down exhausted*

**Neo:** *cries*

**WB dude:** *comes out from behind his lectern looking very scared, he hadn't realised how tall the buggers were* ….Ermm, I have the rules written down here…

**Twin two:** In English? *glares at Neo*

**WB dude:** Yes, yes in English. Ahem, *clears throat* for all you non-British people, i.e those that are inferior to the world and who should bow down to- uh… wait a minute! Who wrote this crap at the top of my page?!

**Twin two:** *whistles* 

**WB dude:** . *rubs temples, this was not in his job description nor does he get paid enough* In a game of rounders there are four base players, a bowler, a backstop and the rest are deep fielders. The other team bats. If a batter successfully hits the ball his-

**Trinity:** Or her.

**Twin one:** What?! I didn't know there were girls here! I mean come on, Oracle is waaay past the menopause and already growing a moustache, Niobe is a…Niobe is a...is a... um, she doesn't count 'cos I don't know what the hell she is, and as for you, Miss. Lard arse…

**Twin two:** *puts on fake deep voice* Manly woman! 

**Trinity:** *glares and stamps her foot, screeching* NEO! Aren't you going to say anything?!!

**Neo: **Well… honey, you are kind of…

**WB dude:** ANYWAY! As I was saying, the aim is for the batter to hit the ball and then to run around the outside of the bases. If he hits the ball and completes the lap of the bases he gets a rounder. 

**Morpheus:** Like a home run?

**WB dude:** Ye- um, no. *catches the look on Two's face* Not at all like a home run but exactly like a rounder. As in a round of the playing area. A rounder. If the batter only gets to second base he gets half a rounder. If he doesn't hit the ball but gets all the way around he also gets half a rounder. If he hits it behind him he can only run to first base. If the bowler has the ball inside their marked box a batter cannot run, a batter can be out if a fielder catches the ball before it bounces or if the fielder stumps a base before the batter reaches it. Two no balls equal half a rounder as does an obstruction of a running batter by a fielder. There ya have it folks. R-O-U-N-D-E-R-S. Do ya'll get it? *takes a deep breath*

**Neo:** Actually-

**WB dude:** *eye twitches* Good! That's it out onto the pitch!! *scuttles out of room muttering wife, kill me, goddamn twins, crazy, coffee*

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A/N:- _Whatever ya want here, Shoa bobs ^_^ _

I thought I'd leave that on it's cute. Thanks kat! Anyways the actual game will ensue shortly… 


	2. First innings, and Team One are batting

**WARNING: **Same stuff still applies, swearing included ect. Still sorry to anyone who at any time feels offence.

**A/N: **Again thanks to Kat. That's it really, oh, don't own Lurpack, lol. And btw, Thornhill High can't play rounders for the life in them!! COME ON CASTLE HALL!! And thanks sooo much to all my reviewers!! Love ya all!

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**Team Two… Later, walking out onto the pitch…**

(The twins are the only ones who have changed; they are wearing silver t-shirts and shorts (drools), and are still wearing their shades. Their t-shirts say One and Two, for those weird people like Neo who can't tell them apart)

**Neo**: *looks around the pitch* See, I told you! It looks like baseball!

**Twin one:** *grabs his sibling's hands as he lunges for Neo* CALM!

**Twin two:** *hisses* It's…not…friggin'…BASEBALL!! Lemme at him, the pinafore wearing girl!!

**Twin one:** *in a patronizing tone* We've spoken about this before, haven't we Two? No losing your rag, it's just a game-

**Twin two:** That we're gonna win!

**Twin one:** Damn right we are…

**Another random WB dude:** Okay! Right! Teams people! Teams!!

**Twin one:** *glances at Two* Awww shit, a group leader. *mimics* Teams people! I don't do teams, there's only one team! Team ONE!! That's us by the way. 

**Twin two:** I'd kinda guessed ^_^ 

(Anyways, the team leader dude puts them all into teams, much to the dismay of our dear twins)

**Random WB dude: **Okay team one are… Twin one, Twin two, Mero, can I call you that?

**Mero:** No.

**RWB Dude:** Thanks, so that's One, Two, Mero, Persephone, Smith, and…um, *looks at clipboard* Oracle!! 

**Oracle:** o_O

**Mero:** *pouts and curses in French, a.k.a wipes his arse with silk* 

**RWB Dude:** On team two we have Neo, Trinity, Morpheus, Link, Lock and Niobe!!

(All of a sudden and from out of nowhere in particular, loud screams are heard. Everyone looks in the direction of the distance where it looks like a stampede of running things is heading towards them, trampling the nice grass in their wake)

**Neo:** *gulps* Fan girls… They're gonna eat me!! *screams and clings to Trinity*

(A horde of black clad, screaming girls do indeed run towards the pitch, but as it turns out though, they are running from… not to. Funnily enough.)

**Twin one:** Woooooweeee! 

**Twin two:** Lookit that! o_o!

(The few, select and elite cosplaying twin fan club are chasing the Neo fangirls with what look suspiciously like kitchen knives or, if failing that, anything remotely resembling a switchblade)

**Twin two:** YES!

**Twin one:** We rule! XD!

(The twin fangirls are momentarily distracted as their idols speak to them! However, in true 'twinliness', they merely nod their wig/tea towel clad heads and giggle manically, herding the Neo fans into a corner)

**Trinity:** S'ok Neo, they're subdued! You can let go now… *her eyes wander to her head, where Neo's hands are firmly stuck/placed*

**Neo:** Can't…my hands are stuck! O_O

**Trinity:** What do you mean they're stuck?! *writhes about, trying to pull Neo's hands off*

**Neo:** What the hell is this?!

**Trinity:** *in a desperate voice* It's…it's…it's a hair restraining product I bought the other day! From a company called Lurpack! 

(Everybody gathers around and help pull Neo off)

**Morpheus:** Looks like lard to me o_O

**Niobe:** Ugh, and me. 

**Twin one:** Smells like Sunday morning bacon butties. 

**Twin two:** That's cos' it probably is! *dies laughing* Lurpack is a food product, you retarded bitch! *starts singing about Trinity having lard on her hair, when he is silenced by RWB dude's clipboard*

**Oracle:** Now you see, I knew that was going to happen! Next-

**All:** Shaddap!

**Oracle:** See.

**All:** QUIET!

**Oracle:** -_-

**RWB Dude, who is surprisingly indestructible:** Okay, people! Okay! Lets play! 

**Niobe:** He needs to calm down…

**RWB Dude:** Woo! Team One are fielding first! I seem to have an inability to speak without exclamation marks!

**All:** ~.~

**RWB Dude:** What?! Anyway! Lets play!

**Twin one:** HUZZAH! *pounces on Twin two, who squeals and piggybacks him over to the far bases*

**Smith:** o_O How amusing...

**Neo:** *watches as the fielding team make their way over to the fielding posts* So, we're... batting first? 

**Niobe:** Half wit...

**Morpheus:** It would appear so... We undoubtedly chose to take the red pill and subject ourselves willingly to this game without a fight... The inevitable is happening...

**Link:** *smacks Morpheus with a bat* SHADDAP! Let's play!

**Morpheus:** ~.~ Owwie...

**Link:** I said shaddap!! OI!! *shakes the bat at his team* GET LINED UP AT THE BATTING BOX NOW!!

**All team two:** O_O *scarper to box*

**Link:** ^_^ That's better! *skips happily behind them*

~*Meanwhile....*~

**Twin two:** So, if you miss the ball, don't run for it, let Mero or his half arsed bitch get it yeah?

**Twin one:** *rubs hands* Got it. I'll go base one, you on two?

**Twin two:** Would you expect anything else? ^_^

**Twin one:** Of course not ^_^

**RWB Dude:** *in a really camp voice* Fellaaaaaaaaas! It's time to play! Quit chatting and start fieeeeeeeeelding! YEAH! ^^;; 40 good balls an innings! 

**Twins:** o_O *shrug and get to their bases*

(Mero puts himself at base 3, Persephone at 4, Oracle at backstop and Smith as bowler. Quite a combination, eh?)

**Link:** *has put himself in charge of his team and is commandeering them all with his bat* NEO! Since you're a fat, girly weirdo, you can bat first.

**Neo:** o_o I don't know what to do!

**Link:** *thwack*

**Neo:** Oww... x_x

**Link:** We're you not listening?! You hit the bastard ball then RUN! RUN!! 

**Neo:** Oh...okay ^_^

**All:** O_O;;;

**Link:** Just get up there! *threatens Neo with bat*

**Neo:** YESSIR! *scrambles to the batter's box and stares at Smith*

**Smith:** *grins and cracks neck* Misssssster Anderson… *throws the ball at an amazing speed*

**Neo:** O_O!! *ducks*

**Oracle:** *falls backwards* ...Ugh... I foresaw that...

**Twin two:** FOUL! Neo threw the ball at our backstop!

**Twin one:** Half a rounder to us!

**Neo:** WHAT?! 

**RWB Dude:** In actual fact, that should be half a round to their team for attempting to perform GBH with the ball and-! *Twin two cracks his knuckles and points to him* Ah... actually, never mind. 

**Twin two:** ^_^

**Neo:** I'm lost! *looks around* Can I try that again?

**Smith:** But of coursssse, Misssster Anderson, mwahaha! *laughs manically* Where's the ball gone?

**Oracle:** *pulls herself to her feet, revealing a black eye* I have it... *throws it to Smith, who catches it nicely*

**Smith:** *basically lobs the ball straight away at Neo*

**Neo:** EEEEEK! *blindly swings his bat* 

**Oracle:** I got it! *catches the ball and throws it to Twin one*

**Twin one:** *catches it fantastically and grins*

**Link:** NEO!! RUN YOU BLIND WOMAN!! RUUUUUUUN!

**Neo:** Wha...? OH! *legs it to first*

**Twin one:** *stumps him out before he even gets there* HAHAHAHAHA!

**Twin two:** HA! LOOOOOOOOSER! *does L sign on his forehead*

**Link:** GODDAMNIT!!

**Persephone:** *suddenly screams*

**Mero:** Mon Dieu!! What ees ze matter my darleeng? *rushes to her aid* 

**Perseph:** Nossing ^_^ Just vanted to zee your reaction.

**Mero:** o_O

**Twins:** *snicker*

**RWB dude:** Okay, folks! Neo can still bat but he can't score any rounders, okay?!

**Neo:** *mumbling* Damn bastard twins…

**Twin one:** What did you say?!

**Neo:** I hope we wins!!

**Twin one:** Yeah right…

**Link:** Get back here, YOUR IMBELICLIC ONENESS! 

(Neo glares and walks slowly to the back of the batters line, noticing that his darling Terriniteee is up next. She takes her place and gets ready to bat like a pro)

**Smith:** Hehehe. *lobs the ball at her head, hitting target*

**Trinity:** OW!! That was on PURPOSE!! *stamps foot*

**Link:** RUUUN!!! IT WAS A BALL YOU SHINY, PLASTIC CONDOM!! RUN!!

(Trinity does an outraged 'whatever' face and runs, meanwhile, Oracle is humming to herself, oblivious to the fact of what is going on)

**Twin one:** COME ON!! GET THE BALL!! 

**Twin two:** ORACLE, GET THE BALL!!

(Trinity eventually makes it all the way around, scoring a rounder and looking pleased with herself, all the while, Oracle is still stood there humming)

**Neo: **HOME RU- *twins glare* I mean, ROUNDER!!!

**Mero:** ORACLE?! Vhat zee hell are you doing?! We are losing to thees imbeceels! Vhy?!

**Oracle:** I foresaw that I chose to not catch the ball, which I have known since I was created because I am the Oracle and thus must enforce that pre-choice…

**All:** SHADDAP!! 

**Oracle:** *chortles* That too I- *is struck by a ball, thus enforcing her to shut up*

**Link:** *growls* Morpheus, get up there and give them HELL!!

**Morpheus:** I'm the captain Link, I should give the ord-

**Link: **~.~ *grits teeth and glares, brandishing his bat* 

**Morpheus:** Okay, okay! I'm going! *takes his place in the batter's box*

**Link:** Good boy. *nods head*

(Smith grins, glares and eventually throws a good ball. Morpheus, however, hits it and the ball goes whizzing over to Persephone at 3rd and gets lodged in her cleavage)

**Persephone:** *outraged* What ees zis?!! MOLESTATION!!! I VANT HIM OUT!! Zis ees my own personal space!! *fishes the ball out of bra and lobs it at Smith, but it's too late, Morpheus already has a rounder* 

**Mero:** I told you not to wear zat reediculous dress! It ees like a baboons behind! 

**Perspehone:** *screeches and attempts to attack Mero with her claw like nails* 

**RWB dude:** *did I mention this guy has a cheesy American voice?* Hey! Guys! That's enough! Back to the game! 

**Persephone:** *growls and wanders back to her base*

**Link:** *throws his arms in the air* YES! WE GOT A ROUNDER, A ROUNDER!!! 

**Rest of team one:** ~.~ 

**Link:** What? At least I'm playing! C'mon ya girly pansies!! PUT YOUR BACKS INTO IT!! WE'RE GONNA WIN!!

(Lock is up next, who for the sake of amusement is left-handed. He nervously trots up the so called 'batter's box of death' and awaits) 

**Smith:** Alrighty then… *throws ball*

**Lock:** AIIIYAAA! *hits it towards Twin one*

**Twin one:** He he he…*phases, and the ball passes straight through him hitting the base before Lock even gets there* OUT AT FIRST!! 

**Lock:** WHAT?! He cheated! He didn't stump the base!

**Twin one:** Hey! No discrimination against the morphing functionality challenged! 

**Lock:** Whaaa….?

**Twins:** *take this opportunity to glare meaningfully at the RWB dude*

**RWB dude:** Hehe ^^;; Out at first! 

**Twins:** Mwhaha!

(Niobe stands up next at the batter's box and watches Smith intently)

**Smith:** Take this ya weirdo o_O *chucks ball*

**Niobe:** YEEK! *hits the ball over by Persephone* 

**Link:** *jumps about madly* RUUUUNNN!!

**Twins, Mero and Smith:** PERSEPHONE! GET THE BALL!

(Persephone, however, just stands at her base and picks at her immaculate fingernails)

**Persephone:** Humph, Mero ees the one who likes ball gamez. Make heem get it. Tell heem it ees blonde and bosomed! *pouts*

**Twin one:** Ummm… okay. MY GOD!! A blonde haired, long legged, impossibly unbalanced female! *points to the rolling ball* 

**Mero:** Vhere?! Where ees she?! Mon Cheri!! *runs like a chicken towards the ball, picks it up and kisses it*

**All:** Ewww…

**RWB dude:** Alright, bring on a new ball, we don't want freak germs all over us! 

PUT IT AWAY MERO!! THIS IS A KID'S GAME!! 

**Mero:** Mon Dieu… *tosses the ball guiltily aside and returns to his base*

**RWB dude:** Okay, so far guys team two are winning! 

**Team one:** *evil plotting whispers* 

**Twin Fangirls:** *hiss* 

**Twins:** ^__^!!

~*As the first innings draws to a close, team two have 16 rounders and five balls left, not between them unless someone was very lopsided, but as in the game. Balls in the innings. That's the one…*~

(Neo walks up to the batter's box with both hands firmly on his bat. He keeps scoring rounders 'cos he does his superman flying thing around the bases. He is now thoroughly pleased with himself)

**Twin one:** TAKE YOUR OTHER LARD COVERED HAND OFF THAT BAT!! 

**Twin two:** Stupid yank, its ONE hand on the bat! Ya know the number one! As in you! One brain cell, one ball, one hand!! 

**Niobe:** Can they say that? They're provoking our batter!

**RWB dude:** *watches the twins smile and point to the assembled fangirls* Yeah. Sure they can say whatever they want. I mean, who can say no to two guys with an army of knife wielding delinquents? 

**Twin two:** That's better ^_^ 

**Smith:** Alright… lemme throw this goddamned ball! *lobs ball*

**Neo:** Hehehe, I AM GOD!! *hits ball and begins to do his superman thing, flying towards first at an alarming speed*

**Twin one:** *quickly nods to Twin two*

**Twin two:** *nods back*

**Twin one:** *picks up his base and swings it at Neo as he flies past* AIIIYAA!!! *THWACK!* 

**Twin two:** YARGH! *hits Neo with his own base as he tumbles through the air towards him* *THWACK!*

**Neo:** O_O! *crashes into Persephone at third knocking them both over*

**Persephone:** EEK! RAPE!!

**Neo:** Oww… o_o

**Trinity:** STOP HUMPING THAT BREASTIFIED CAMEL AND GET UP!! 

**Mero:** Haha! The reason why you are out eez…*stumps base* I have zee ball!! Hohohoho! *laughs triumphantly* 

**Twins:** *snicker*

**Neo:** Really? Oww…

**Persephone:** GET UP!! I do not apprezeeate zeese contact!! You are heavee!! 

(Eventually with a few groans and bone cracks, Neo crawls to the back of the queue and Trinity walks up to the batter's box again)

**Twin one:** Ewww… Are you melting? ~.~

**Trinity:** Er…no?

**Twin two:** You look like it.

**Trinity:** I'm not!!

**Twins:** We think you are…

**Trinity:** ALRIGHT!! I buy cheap PVC! And it's WARM!! 

**Twin two:** I'm meelllltinggg! *does a melting witch impression* 

**All:** *chortle*

**Trinity:** Can we get on with this? I really am very warm! *sweat trickles down her face*

**Smith:** *slowly throws ball* Hehehe.

**Trinity:** -_- *hits the bastard*

~*Later… and the last ball has been thrown*~

**RWB dude:** Alrighty then! That's 18 rounders to beat team one!! Let's break for half time!

**Trinity:** Phew…unzip me Neo!!

**Twins:** O_O 

**Neo:** Um…here?

**Trinity:** I'm gonna die… *collapses from heat exhaustion*

(Whilst Neo takes Trinity to be…'unzipped', everyone else begins to walk to the nearest shade)

**RWB dude:** Hey, guys! I have your water bottles! *lobs sports cap water bottles at the players*

**Twins:** ^_^ WOOT!!!

**All:** o_O

**Twins:** WOOT WOOT WOOT!! *bounce underneath a big tree and sit down*

**All:** Ok-ay…

(As the others walk off to find more shade, the twins start something which makes them turn round…)

**Twin one:** *squeezes bottle at his sibling* SQUIRT! Hehehe.

**Twin two:** O_O! *watches water dribble down shades* …You penis!! *squirts One back*

**Twin one:** *squeals like a girl and takes the top off his bottle, dousing Two in water*

**Twin two:** Right, that's it! *does the same and stands up screeching 'One's wet One's wet! The horny bastard!'*

**Twin one:** *turns around and yanks one of Two's dreds*

**Twin two:** OW! *yanks back*

**Twin one:** BITCH!

**Twin two:** SLAPPER!

**Twin one:** SLUT

**Twin two:** ….PROSTITUTE!! 

(The twins begin chasing each other around the playing field, quite amusingly, followed by the fangirls)

**RWB dude:** *calls* Hey watch out you two! If ya don't find some shade you might…TAN!

**Twins:** O_O *dash for cover*

**RWB dude:** Hehehehe.

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A/N: Ahh, so whaddya think? I loved all your scrummy reviews last time and will make a point of replying to them in future! Next chapter up soon…hopefully…maybe. I have exams so don't worry, I've not gone. Feel free to email me! It's on my profile. 


	3. Interlude, with a monkey

**Warning: **blah, blah, blah I think you all get it by now! 

**A/N: **Thanks for all the reviews! I'm loving them. Keep reading. And huggles to Kat for the editing and late night posting! Okay, now reader reviews:

Silent Whispers: Okay I admit, despite what the gorgeous twins say, the game is a teensy bit like baseball. Don't worry 'bout the rules, just enjoy!!

Curlyro: I don't mind Neo really, he's just such an easy target! Lol ^_^!

Andel: I always aim to change, hehe. Good to have some pure British supporters!

Hyperactive Hamster of doom, Hellfighter, Kyrilla, Shadowcat832 and Aiyh-Sa: Thanks for the reviews, and GO THE TWINS!

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**Interlude with a monkey**

(As the day is rolling on, the sun is still shining and the game running fierce. Well, it will be once team one start batting but that's not the point really… Ahem, anyway. It's a little over five minutes before the break finishes and team one are actually due to bat. Let's see what they're up to, eh?)****

**Twin one:** Hmmm… *surveys the competition* We're gonna win this no problem…

**Twin two:** *looks up from drawing pictures in the soil of Neo in a dress* Indeed we are, my dear brother. Push overs they are, push overs!

**Twin one:** Hehehe. 

**Twin two:** Hehehe.

**Twin one:** *glares* Hehehehehehehehehe! 

**Twin two:** *grits teeth* HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!

**Mero:** Argh! Pleese stop theese infernal racket, if you vill? *stamps and screams*

**Persephone:** Oh please, you imbeceel, it's ees you zat is makeeng all these racket!

(But before, an argument can engage, the annoyingly so RWB Dude steps back onto the premises… Looking a lot happier then he usually should be. Cue scariness) 

**RWB Dude:** Okay, Peeeeeople! I'm back! ^_^ *wipes mouth* 

**All:** O_O!

**RWB Dude:** Whhhhat? So I'm not allowed to have fun anymore? Lighten up! *grins* So come on! Let's plaaaaaaaaay!

**Niobe:** I'm scared…

**Link:** Cool, whatever. LET'S KICK TEAM ONE'S ASS!

**Twins:** *stare scandalized*

**Twin one:** Yeah right, you wish you could.

**Twin two:** *makes an 'L' sign on his forehead at Link* Nuh-uh, we gonna kick your arse, bitch!

**RWB Dude:** Fellaaaaaaas! Stop fighting now, let's get on that pitch! 

**Neo:** Woah, wait a second, where's Trinity? 

**Twin two:** Thought you'd… unzipped her? 

**Twin one:** Maybe she's vanished… She's been zipped too far! YES! 

**RWB Dude:** Oh my, what a disaster! Now where could she be…? 

**Oracle:** She's in the locker rooms. 

**Twin two:** STILL?! 

**Twin one:** Goddamit, you'd think she was shagging a locker or something. 

**Neo:** o_o B-b-b-but! *bottom lip trembles* But my darling? Where for art thou? *does Romeo bit* 

**Twin two:** *suddenly chokes* O_O! Run for the hills! Man the lifeboats! WHAT in the name of God are THOSE?! 

(Everybody turns bemused, to watch Trinity walk onto the pitch. Cue hysterical Twin laughing) 

**Trinity:** They're shorts, alright?! Shorts! 

**Twins: ***fall on floor in hysterics* 

**Neo:** Oh, Honey…

**Twin two:** Shorts in what world?! HAHA! 

**Twin one:** HAH! She's wearing bloomers!! *tries to steady himself, but collapses again dragging two down with him*

(It does in fact turn out that Trinity is wearing a ridiculously frilly pair of pink bloomers, much to the amusement of many of the Twin fangirls) 

**Trinity:** For God's sake! What is the big deal? They're shorts! They're just feminine-

**Persephone:** *snorts* Zose would be useful if you fell out a plane! 

**Twin one:** Manly!

**Twin two:** Woman!

**Trinity:** *squeals* Neo!! Defend me! 

**Neo:** Um, what happened to your PVC? 

**Trinity:** Well…

**Mero:** Whaat ees zese!? 

(People watch with tears of mirth in their eyes as Mero picks up from behind a bush, a tiny PVC outfit and holds it up) 

**Neo:** *sighs* Sweetie, we talked about this… no role-plays with the action figures…

**Oracle:** I'm getting something here… yep… beware a red headed man…she washed them. 

**All:** *laugh* 

**Twins:** Reeeetarrrddd!! 

**Trinity:** *grits teeth* Can we play already?!

**RWB dude:** I think Trinity's right actually, I really think we should play… It might distract them.  

**Twin two:** *squeals* No! Look! This is too good to miss!

(The twins quite vividly point out points to their fangirls, who have captured a Neo girl and are doing inventive things with twigs) 

**Twin one:** Hehehe!

**Twin fangirl:** Die die die die die die die! Mwhehehehehehhe! Poke poke poke! *pokes Neo fangirl*

**Neo fangirl:** O_O! Eeeeeeeeeeeep!

**Neo:** Ack! I'll save you! *launches himself at the squabble * 

**RWB dude:** *thwacks Neo with clipboard* BACK I SAY! BACK! Um…? o.O

(Everybody frowns and is bewildered suddenly as the sky turns grey and a loud thunderclap is heard)

**Niobe:** It better not rain!

**Twin two:** What in the name of Neo's pinafore…?

**Neo:** Oi!

(Another thunderclap is heard and everybody turns silent as an opening in the dark clouds appears)

**Disembodied voice:** This is the voice of Umpires everywhere… RWB dude! I know what you did… 

**RWB dude:** …What? OH! No! I'm a good follower! I follow all the commandments! *Grovels*

**Disembodied voice:** SILENCE! You broke commandment twenty-four! Thou shalt not covet one's arse during half time! GRAGH! 

**All:** O_O!!

**Neo:** Ewwww…

**Twin one:** Holy shit on toast… now THAT'S disturbing!

**RWB dude:** Nooo! It was a lapse- *drifts off* …I couldn't resist it… those peachy, little- OH! Ahem, forgive me oh conveyer of rounders!

**Disembodied voice:** EW! You dirty, perverted imbecile! There shall be a price! Hmmmm… You are forever more destined to beeeee…! *lightening flash*

**All:** *shield eyes as the sharp light invades*****

**Morpheus:** ARRRRRRGH! It burns! It burns!

(As the light begins to fade, slowly the players look upon the damage that the Holy One has caused. There is a sudden gasp and soft 'ooo'ing sounds)

**Twin two:** AWWWWWWWWW!! It's so cute!

**Disembodied voice:** Cute?! Crap, did I change him into the wrong thing? *looks* 

**RWB Dude:** *in a squeaky voice* ACK! I'm below one foot! What the hell am I?! 

**Twin one**: *tips head to the side* An obviously cute, small, purple monkey! HAH!

**Disembodied voice:** BUGGER! He was supposed to be an elephant… *shakes head* Oh well… Enjoy the game people!

(As quickly as the sky appeared, it disappears again and everybody turns to stare at the small, purple monkey stood before them)

**Morpheus:** How random… 

**Link:** Yeah… 

**Twin two:** *pokes monkey* Sweet Jesus, I need to get one of these! It's so cute!

**Twin one:** Two, dear brother, put the monkey down!

**Twin two:** NO! *huggles monkey*

**RWB dude now SP Monkey:** ACK! X_X

**Twin two:** MINE!

**Twin one:** *advances on his sibling* Put it down! You don't know what diseases it has!

**Twin two:** DISEASES?! My monkey has no diseases! ^_^

**Twin one:** DROP IT I SAY! DROP IT! *grabs SP Monkey's tail and attempts to prise it from his twin* 

**Twin two:** Noooooooooooooooooo!! *hugs monkey tighter*****

**All:** o_O

**SP Monkey:** YARGH! 

(The adorable monkey bites Two's fingers, making him release his furry little arse and scarpers a safe distance away, whilst One holds Two back)

**Link:** Now THAT was random…

**SP Monkey:** Random? I'm a friggin' monkey! Oo-oo! .

**Twin two:** A cute, small, purple monkey! ^_^

**Sp Monkey:** GRAGH! WHATEVER! Let's just play this goddamned rounders game before I get REALLY angry! *seethes*

**All:** O_O *scarper*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**A/N:** Hehehe, funky monkey ^_^! Review please?


	4. Lunch, with war

**WARNING: ****There is some very anti-French/American/slight English dialogue in this chapter. Be aware. Please don't sue, it's only fun! Just to warn you, 'cos I don't want anybody offended, warning you beforehand… **

**A/N:** I don't mean any of this! I love the Americans! They brought us good TV and fast food! But it's just so _funny…_

Sorry this hasn't been updated for ages but I've been on ma jollies. It rained, which is typical 'cos this is England, but I had fun anyhows. 

Once again, thanks to Kat, love ya! *huggles* And watch out Milton Keynes! 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**War!**

(As this half opens, we see things still out of hand on the monkey department. Minus the twins, who as always, are thoroughly amused, everyone is pretty much scared…)****

**SP Monkey:** *screams* I said pllaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!! GRAWR! 

**All:** O_O

**Morpheus:** He's lost it…

**SP Monkey: **GRAWR GRAWR GRAWR! Roundeeeeeeeeerss! Hehehehe! *spouts steam from his cute, furry ears*

**Niobe:** Oh bahjaysus o.O

**Oracle:** If you knew what I knew I'd be going this way…very fast. *motions to a post about 100 meters away* 

**Twins:** RUUUNNN!!!!!

(In a flurry of squeals and under 10 seconds, everybody makes their hurried way over to the… post, with the twins clinging to it forcefully for some reason unbeknownst to anyone)

**Twin one:** Two, get off my part of the pole.

**Twin two:** You're part?! You mean my part!

**Twin one:** It's my pole!

**Twin two:** Grrrr… Mine!

**Link:** Shaddap! *plonks 'em both on the head and motions to the monkey now running around in vivid circles* Watch! 

(Now a little restrained by some medics that have run onto the field, the little monkey is forcefully biting things and writhing about more than Neo's uncle, a few species removed, in a wetsuit)

**SP Monkey:** Noooo! I won't be cured! *manic glint in eye*

**Random medic:** o_O *chases the squealing monkey around the field*

**Sp Monkey:** Heheheheh!!! *turns and runs at the Medics who scream at the sight of big pointy teeth!* (Monty Python reference there ^^)

**Trinity:** Good Lord, this is ludicrous! 

**Twin two:** ~.~ Which dictionary did you eat?

(Before Trinity can launch herself at Two and… attempt… to rip him to shreds, a loud scream interrupts their thoughts, heads turning to the scene the SP Monkey is making. Winces erupt as he catches a medic and proceeds, in his rabid state, to have fun with his new playtoy)

**All:** Ewwww….

**Morpheus:** Even machines don't have that leakage problem… do they?

**Twin two:** Who knew a head made such a good football?

**Twin one:** Two! The police order said after food, _after _remember?

**Twin two:** Oh yeah…

**Link:** Grawr… I've had enough of this!! 

(Being the only one feeling impatient at not playing rounders and being squicked out, Link takes it upon himself to pick up a rounders bat and throw it at the SP Monkey who is enjoying his 'medic burger.' The SP Monkey falls to the floor, dazed, with comedy stars floating around his head.)

**Trinity:** *screeches* How could you!! It was so sweet and fluffy!

**All:** o_O?

**Trinity:** And defenceless!

**Morpheus:** Did she not see it eat that guy?

**Twin one:** Hey Lardy, why not go and rescue it?

**Twins:** *snigger*

**Trinity:** Why yes! *skips away happily*

**Twin two:** Bahjaysus, she actually went o_o

**Neo:** Trinity! Noooo! *flies after her to save her, emitting sighs from the twins)

**Twin one:** -_-

**Twin two:** Bugger… Would have loved to see her be mauled to death by a cute, adorable but viciously rabid monkey…

**Medic:** *scoops the knocked out monkey onto a shovel* Ermm… you guys might want to take a lunch break or something while we kill/ castrate/ fix your referee. *sobs* And bury what's left of Larry…poor Larry… my only friend…Larry… *walks off howling*

**Lock:** Riiiight. 

(As directed, everybody wanders off to find lunch. The twins sit  underneath a sunshade on fold out chairs. They have champagne on ice, strawberries and cream, and for the final touch a pot of Tetley's tea. Remember; That's better, that's Tetleys! Btw, nobody here owns Tetley's, don't sue… grawr)

**Twin One:** This is the life…

**Twin Two:** Indeedy do brother. More tea?

**Twin One:** You know, this stereotypical English thing is quite good really.

**Twin Two:** The only thing we're missing is a game of cricket at the manor then home for cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. 

**Twin one:** -_- That is taking it too far. We're English but we're not that English!

**Twin Two:** We could be British then, I suppose?

**Twin one:** *sighs* How many times do I have to tell you we're only British if we're kicking the crap outta some other country? Stiff upper lip and all that shit. 

**Twin Two:** Oh I get it, we're only British if there's a war or summat? If there isn't, then you're English 'cos you don't like being associated with the Irish, Scots or Welsh or whatever?

**Twin one:** Right.

**Twin Two:** Okay.

**Twin One:** Fine. 

(Silence. More tea is poured. Strawberries are eaten. Champagne is sipped… and Two ponders the conversation)

**Twin Two:** *concentrates* Soo…are we English or British at the moment? 

Because we're untied against the Yanks and Frogs but there's only us two here…

**Twin One:** Well the French don't count… we're always at war with them…*thinks* Uh… DON'T CONFUSE ME!!

**Twin Two:** My head hurts…

(While the Twins are contemplating whether they are English or British there is a loud scream that echoes throughout the field, making Two spill his tea and allsorts of birds and animals vacate their homes in fright)

**Twin two:** Goddamnit, bloody woman!

**Trinity:** *screeches* NEO! HELP! THERE'S A GHERKIN IN MY BURGER! 

(It turns out that, within a split second of some unusual sort, Neo and Trinity have come and sat in front of the Twins with their burger and fries meals. The twins take no time in turning their noses up in disgust)

**Trinity:** *whimpers* Get it AWAY!

**Neo:** It's only a legume covered in the heated bodily juices of a miscellaneous farmyard animals, Trin dear.

**Trinity:** What?

(Whilst Trinity is taking her sweet time trying to figure out what Neo said, he plucks the offending vegetable away and throws it randomly, a scream from Smith's direction soon emitting)

**Twins two: **This is outrageous!

**Twin one: **Hey Yanks! This is our spot! Bugger off! 

(Trinity and Neo look scandalised at the pale, angry looking people staring at them nastily… through sunglasses)

**Twin two:** And WHAT the hell is that you're eating?

**Trinity:** A b-u-r-g-e-r, stupid Brit. 

**Two:** Oh oh oh!! That's it! I'm English now! Don't go calling me a Brit, you American- mpfh mhpf mpf!!  

(Two's sentence is awfully and unnecessarily cut off as One claps his hand over his mouth with a trying look on his face)

**Twin one:** Behave, Two! FF.Net don't allow those words in this rating…

**Twin two:** *sulks* 

**Trinity:** *laughs* HA!

**Twin one:** *growls* No really, Trinity. What is that you're eating? Looks like a cows arse marinated in your hair products then slapped between two slices of stale bread with bird droppings on top.

**Trinity:** *turns a nasty shade of green*

**Twin two:** And is that compost or lettuce?

**Twin one:** Very… fattening

**Twin two:** And what is that I see? A GHERKIN? 

**Trinity:** *tries to scream and vomit at the same time, but ends up coughing and falling off the chair*

**Neo:** Would you please stop trying to break my girlfriend?

**Twin one:** *innocently* We were only pointing out her fat laden diet…

**Twin two:** How she keeps her stick like appearance is beyond us… eating that muck. No wonder only 30% of Americans vote.

**Neo:** What?

**Twin two:** Well the other 70% don't fit in the polling booths!!

**Twins:** *keel over laughing*

**Neo:** What did you say?! Did you insult my country folk?! *turns red… and blue… and white*

**Twin one:** O_O!! Uh-oh! A severe case of stars and stripes syndrome! RUUNNNNN!!

(The twins pelt back to the safety of their chairs in time to see glittery stars erupt from Neo's ears, in a pretty light show)

**Twins:** ^______^!! *high five each other with giggles*

**Twin one:** Another job well done, I believe.

**Twin two:** Trinity in tears and Neo spewing glitter, not bad if we say so ourselves. 

(Just as the twins are settling themselves back down to strawberries and champagne there are more voices… Annoyed, they scowl at their oppressors)

**Twin one:** Grawr… What now?

**Mero:** RAWR! Tu va une poisson frigé!

**Persephone:** I am not a frigid feesh! It iz zose blondez oo are!

(The twins raise eyebrows as Mero and Persephone walk into view with their Louis Vitton picnic set, squabbling like teenagers)

**Twin two:** Posh gits.

**Twin one:** I wonder what we can do here…

**Twins:** *grin* 

**Twin one:** *calls* Oi! Arse wiper!

**Twin two:** Trolly dolly!****

**Persephone:** Moi? You ees adreeseeng moi?

**Mero:** You cannot speak to oos like zat!

**Twin one:** Err… we just did. 

**Mero:** Ha, you seemple servants. Do not zink you can humiliate ooz! You forget zo easily! 

**Twin two:** Forget what, frog face?

**Mero:** *evil grin* Zee battle of 1066…

(At this point everyone else turns up)

**Twins:** o_o *sharp intake of breath*

**Twin one:** That was below the belt!

**Twin two:** Totally uncalled for…

**Neo:** What?! What happened?

**Mero:** Ahh, zee defeat of zee Engleesh army and conquering zere rainy, leetle island bog.

**Twin one:** Hey hey! If I may remind you, snail eater, we had just kicked the shit out of the Vikings at Stamford Bridge, then run all the way to Hastings-

**Twin two:** AND it's OUR rain! And our BOG! AND-

**Twin one:** William the Conqueror was a bastard anyway! 

**Mero:** We still won you. Every Engleesh aristocrat haz French blood in heez veinz.

**Twin one:** So that's why they're all lazy bastards! They're French! 

**Mero:** -_-

**Twin two:** Well, if we're country bashing, may I mention the Elizabethan Armarda? *coughs* Looosers! 

**Twin one:** And Agincourt? *coughs* Loosers!

**Twin two:** And who was invaded _twice _in the space of thirty years_?_

**Neo:** Well, if this is the game we're playing! We've had to dig you, Britain, out of two world wars already! 

**Twin one:** Late for both of them as I recall?

**Twin two:** And besides! You steal all our place names! 

**Twin one:** Yeah! 

**Neo:** Well, you're Prime Minister is our President's bitch! (No offence to anyone)

**Twins:** *roll up sleeves*

**Twin one:** Well, your president has no hair!

**Twin two:** *terrible George Bush impersonation* Axis of Evil! Invisible Weapons of Mass Destruction! Military Conflict! Peace in Ireland!

**Twin one:** Stop selling the IRA weapons then! *dies laughing* 

**Oracle:** I'd shut up, if I were you. In the future-

**RWB Dude:** Hey! I'm BAAAACCKKK!!! *runs onto the pitch*     

**All:** O_O 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**A/N:** Enjoy? I know there was a lot of underhand and down right uncalled for jokes, but I couldn't help myself. I have nothing against anybody. Especially not the people mentioned. Sorry again if anyone felt offence.

EddieChoseLife: There ya go. A nice brew! ^^

Della C: Agent fangirls? Scary. We'll have to wait and see…

Kyrillia: Yes but later. I don't think the twin fangirls are quite prepared for that at the moment! Lol.  

See ya next chapter people! ^_^


End file.
